I got an email today from colostomy bag.
And I got one from bad eyes.
What strange names they have.
Someone called yellow nails also wrote to me, as did tinnitus killer. Who are these people? Pain relief sent me a message, as did your dizziness, and your pee. Your pee sent me an email. Hi Your pee, how you doing? How's it going Secret Video. What's been happening Hidden Ear Condition.
I had a dream about Jason Dunstall last night. He had just won the grand final and wasn't wearing any shorts. He had a soft toy over his penis. The soft toy flew off, his penis was huge and droopy like a carpet snake. That was why he won the Grand Final, because he had such a big penis.
Bad eyes would be good name for a dodgy character, as would yellow nails. Yellow nails and bad eyes drift into town, drifters, donogooders. I just checked my nails, they're not yellow. They've got crinkles on them though, a sign of something, a deficiency, maybe vitamin K.
My eyesight isn't much chop. I met somebody called Stop Squinting the other day. He wants to help me.
Hello, what's your name?
Stop Squinting.
That's a nice name.
Here's my card.
I can't read it.
They're like prank callers. Amanda Hugginkiss, or Isyourfridgerunning. But there's no pun, there's no gag.
[Ring ring]
Hello?
[Hacking cough]
Who's this?
Bad eyes.
Whatchuwant?
I'm looking for yellow nails.
Yellow nails ain't here.
I imagine them as men. Men with weird names. Men who send me messages. Messages I mustn't open. They want to steal from me. Tinnitus killer and Pain Relief. Scammers, criminals, they want my credit card details, they want my identity. They want me to open their messages. There's a knock at the door. Who is it? Yellow nails. I'm not opening the door. Don't let them in. They come at night. Bang bang bang. Who is it? Bad eyes.
